just some tings.

3 more days and Alex turns 8 months old. She has sprouted a tooth (lower left), belly crawls and she can go from prone to sitting position. My dad caught her in action yesterday for the first time, and then I saw it.

And you know that feeling as you watch your baby does something like this, that amazement as you wonder how they worked it all out so quickly.

Then bam, they are in university. hahahaha. I kid. I wish *roll eyes*

The past two weeks, Alex and I had been sleeping terribly. She would wake up at the slightest noise, co-sleeping wasn’t even helping and she would cry almost every 2 hourly. And then she would wake up around 4-5am, and decide to be semi-awake, drifting in and out between catnaps. What happened to my star sleeper?? I was so zombified each morning cos I was half-awake the whole night trying to put her back to sleep, and trying to keep her from falling off the bed.

We’d take a long nap after dropping Quentin & Sarah off at school. Which meant lunch wasn’t cooked, chores weren’t done. Wednesday was the last straw, she took a 5 min power nap and decided that was it. I was getting stressed from watching the laundry bin pile higher and higher and that stress didn’t help with my lack of sleep. Urgh. When she finally slept, I took a short nap too and then felt guilty about having to buy lunch later cos I had to remain next to Alex just so she would nap.

Cue guilt cycle. A very vicious guilt cycle. Until hubby told me it is okay to do a few lunch takeouts, the kids are old enough. I struggled with it abit (cos I’m particular about nutrition esp on school days) before I caved. Not chicken rice or Macs everyday…okay lah. I should let go a little.

Then got one Alex who is still on store bought purees cos this momma cannot keep up with the cooking much. 8 mths liao wor! Double argh. i shall try harder.

7.5 mths into the year and I am still struggling a little to find a groove to settle into. Pretty hard when everything is pretty dynamic with a baby who is hitting milestones and throwing off any routine every few months. I struggle between wanting to move on and yet, wanting to savour the every bit of babyness left cos she is the last baby. How she snuggles, how she reaches out for me, how she breaks into a smile when she sees me, how she stops crying immediately once she is in my arms.

ah my babies, what do you do to me?

It’s gotten to a stage, where dinner time can be funny, as the boys crack silly jokes, Sarah tries to join in, Alex just happily bounces in her high chair, watching her siblings.

I am content, I am happy. I try to manage things better, but I am happy. I spend mornings like this trying to reflect and regroup, and hopefully pick myself out of a funk. Sometimes, a good night’s sleep (hahaha who am I kidding, okay maybe 5 hours stretch is considered a good night), is all I need to kick start. That and..ahem, mebbe a cup of fruit tea from Tea Folia. Hubby would say expensive perk me up siah.

Finances also another issue. Haisssss. Trying to understand more about my retirement funds. Let me get my head around it one day.

Till then, it’s off to the ArtScience Museum later today! So excited to be out with the kids!

Post first week of school. I watched the kids head off to school on the first day with glee. It was the start of my daily 3-hours pseudo me-time! Well, as much as I can get with the soon-to-be minted 8 month old Alex.

Yet, whilst they were in school, I missed the time we had during the school holidays. The flexibility, and us being together. It didn’t help that I saw how they had grown, walking after them, watching their backs.

How the kids had grown a little taller.
Sarah’s hair had grown a little longer.
Quentin’s writing had gotten a little neater.
Oliver talked about his relationship with his friends, how there were teams (cliques).

They stilled wanted their good night kisses from me, they still held my hands when I asked. But slowly, they were growing.

Today, I spoke with Quentin’s teacher to ask if things had improved from the last term. And things weren’t looking good. If anything, they had progressed worse. I had spoken to her at the PTM in May, and mentioned that I would spend more time and tried to see how we could improve things. After hearing today, I felt I failed.

The failure was not at not being able to improve things. But I felt I failed to understand my child.

The teacher agrees that..Quentin is a very straight kid. Straight as in..you have to take what he says at face value. There is nothing underlying at all. And no forward planning. This kid lives for the moment, at the present and nowhere else. He doesn’t remember much what he did the day before, nor will he plan what he wants to do tomorrow. And he says what comes to mind.

Isn’t that such a wonderful thing? To live in the now and not have any worries at all? But society would dictate it to be otherwise. That you need to plan for your future, and be ready.

Today, with Oliver staying back late in school, Quentin and I could spend more time together. He could talk to me in his own time, without the worry of being interrupted. I asked him about school, and in his usual fashion, he would say ‘I forgot’. But today, I encouraged him to remember with some retrospective memory. And he spoke about the letters he learnt at school. I gave him some activities to do whilst I was about to put the girls to nap, then decided that he would join us in the air-conditioned room as well. The girls can take their time to nap, they will nap eventually, and since we weren’t in a rush to pick Ollie up, we had time. And it was time owed to him.

He glowed under the praises I heaped on him as I corrected his writing. And he willingly attempted again without much prompting, in hope that he would get more stars for his corrected writing.

It was a really pleasant afternoon, no yelling, just a lot of affirmation, and he would listen as I tried to explain to him about why he shouldn’t cut his magazine up even though we could still read it, how he should use the bidet without wetting the whole roll of toilet paper, and what are the steps he could do to minimize mess so he doesn’t have to do any or much clean up.

And we agreed that we would try to improve bit by bit each day.

What happened then? I wondered. He went from being the #foreverbaby at one point, to being the middle child when we had Sarah. And he adored Sarah, became the big brother. Then even more so when Alex came along. He would goof around to make his sisters laugh. He took that role with pride. But he got sidelined even more somewhere along the way.

It is a very thin line at comparing him with his siblings, feeling like I owe a lot to him and then getting frustrated cos he doesn’t think like the rest of us. hahah. So different.

Gaah. This allocating time for all the kids is shitting me. We get lots of together time. But the kids don’t get one on one time with me much. If any, Alex pretty much LL has to do whatever we all want to do cos she can’t say much, neither does she have a say either. Yet I know how they bloom and flourish under one-on-one time with either Donald or I. Then again, they are a different level of fun when they are playing with each other. Damn mad cute.

Every day, I end up going to bed wondering how I could have handled the kids and the day better. And I tell myself, I’ll try to be better tomorrow. Telling myself to be more patient and not yell at the kids, tell myself to spend more quality time with the kids, to do more activities and less chores, and to take them outdoors more. And there’s the lack of sleep and with that, comes frustration.

And sometimes I want to give up and walk away. I throw like 5 minute tantrums and rant to the husband about how I want to order food in instead of cooking and decide that I will be going out after dinner. Then common sense kicks in after I cool down and I do a quick dinner, money is saved and Donald comes home and takes over the reins so I can recollect myself again.

Urgh. This is going to be the same argument with myself for the next 15-20 years. Wondering if I can do more with the kids. Hopefully they outgrow of this phase faster haha so I can ‘retire’ okay. But till then, I will just want more of them before they grow up too fast!

‘the year is almost over!’ daddy Ting exclaims when we were talking about how a friend was lamenting half of the days off he had taken was over.

just another week to the end of the school hols. and it would be July. Indeed, the year is almost over. Just blink and it would be the end of the year already. As it is, Alex is already 7 months old.

Half a year in, we are learning. Learning more about our kids each day. As they surprise us.

My children, I hope you know that your parents are not mind readers. As you work a way to sort out your emotions, your parents are learning to handle yours. Remain open. There are no secrets in this household and we try not to judge when we can.

It has been a tiring June holidays. I made plans in mid-May, with places to go with the kids. Places that would not cost us a lot in terms of entrance fees. The meals do cost us a bit sometimes, but towards the end, we brought out more packed food from home so that we don’t have to buy more outside. It has worked out well. You, my children, did not complain and I am thankful for that.

I tried my best to take you guys out as much as possible. Same places, new experiences, and hopefully also new places. Chores were cast aside whilst we went out to have fun. Mondays and Fridays were catch up on chores days; you complained and groaned and moaned, but you did it when I nagged and complained.

By the third week, I was so done with outings. I didn’t want to go for family gatherings anymore. I was tired. All the yelling, quarrelling & fighting between the kids were getting to me. I longed for peace and quiet. I had started to block out a lot of stuff from the kids and anyone. It was just too much. Some days, I still just pushed myself ahead, but it was enough. I constantly felt I was running out of time. Out of time to bring the kids out; out of time to maintain a household (laundry laundry laundry); out of time to teach the kids (not all just about play); out of time to work; out of time..for myself.

Then one of the days, my husband unintentionally guilt tripped me. And I exploded at him. I was already feeling that I wasn’t doing enough despite the amount of things I had on my plate (I know..go figure). To have him say that I should stop looking at my phone and focus on my kid..despite spending the day at the bird park and only then getting a chance to reply to a query. Wah, not cool.

Fortunately, next week, I’d be getting one or two days to myself and allow myself to regroup and prep for another new school term for the kids. Regroup to sort out some finances, some meals for next week, and pondering about life.

tonight, I told Oliver that we say things we don’t necessarily mean when we are angry, and that I do that too, when I got angry with Donald. That it was normal but when we calmed down, we would apologise to each other and make up. I wondered if he understood and took it to heart.

today, I spotted a little gap in Alex’s lower gum. She was finally sprouting a tooth. And she has started caterpillar crawling on her mat and all over the floor. Hahaha. I told Donald, quite cute to have a baby in the house, watching her toothy grin and laugh as we play with her. Just..nice to have someone to baby and not talk back hahaha.

last night, we understood Quentin a little more when he cried in Donald’s arms, feeling wronged that his father scolded him at bedtime. He is really an awesome big brother to his sisters and even to his elder brother. Naggy, but big hearted. I need to understand him a lot more. It’s a matter of reframing, isn’t it?

ah..Sarah, my Sarah. the one who imitates me. It is hilarious as she tells her brothers off with a stern look on her face, before breaking out into a smile. It is so amazing to watch her analyse a situation, then break out into the little girl cries for help, wanting to be babied. I watch her cling to her father, face buried into the nape of his neck.

I am afraid I don’t have time to provide the best that I want for you. A clean home, experiences outside of home, teaching you what I know, loving you all and bringing you laughter. Instead, sometimes I find that I am bogged down by so many things. Would it matter to you now? Probably not, but hopefully next time it would. Yes, a clean floor may not be important, but you cannot be sloppy. Folding clothes is not a skill you need to have now, but you need to be independent in the future and not depend on me. Would it build character and independence? Probably.

But as long you know that I love you. That’s enough.