losing the plot

Year end melancholy. It happens every year. I reflect on the current state of things and life and generally feel close to being a failure.

A lot of ‘what ifs’ and ‘should haves’.

Tonight was the first time I had to put the 3 kids to bed on my own. Donald is out doing deliveries till late. 5pm, the evening routine starts.

Start cooking the side dishes for dinner, whilst Sarah is still napping and the boys are watching TV. Usually around 5.15pm, Quentin comes looking for me, telling me that he is hungry.

Sarah wakes at about 5.45pm, the time where the boys have their dinner. Thankfully, I can leave them to eat on their own at the countertop whilst Sarah starts her clusterfeeding for the night. She hogs my boobs every..45 mins till bath time. Tonight, I wondered if I should let the kids stay awake till Donald is home or just put them to bed earlier. I decide on the latter cos Ollie is sniffling. I leave the boys to entertain Sarah whilst I clear the countertop to prep Sarah’s bath. The dinner dishes are piled in the sink. Once that is sorted, I pop Sarah in the cot and hustled the boys to shower. The boys can shower on their own, I hurriedly pop out to sort out the water for Sarah’s bath.

I can hear the boys giggling as they play with the tap. They were supposed to be brushing their teeth! Gaaah.

I rush back to the shower and instruct them to wash the areas they have missed out. behind your neck, under your chin, how about your feet, did you remember to rinse your mouth??  Dried Quentin whilst Oliver went into their room to get dressed. I hustled Quentin into his room and left the boys to get dressed.

I then grabbed Sarah and put her in her bath. Luck would have it, she peed in the bath.-_-” Honestly, I contemplated continuing the bath with..pee inside. I mean, pee IS sterile right? I hesitantly rinsed her hair. Gaaah, I couldn’t live with it. Out she goes and I had to pour the water away and start all over. Boil hot water, fill the tub, mix in the hot water and put her back in. She coos as I wash her hair again, grins cheekily as I wash her cheeks. Alright, you’re forgiven for peeing in the tub. Don’t do that again! 

Got her dried and went into the boys’ room to see the both of them snuggled together under the blankets. So good?? The thought ran through my mind. Obviously it was too good to be true. Lights out and it took a good 20 mins before anyone settled down. There was a lot of shuffling in between beds, requests for water, requests to go down the bed to pick up stuff toys that had been thrown around, complaints of one kicking the other (what’s new), requests to be pat to sleep, and finally, quiet.

Meanwhile, the S’mooncake was happily nursing away or peeping at her brothers over my shoulder. Shortly after the boys slept, she slept at the boob. It took an hour to put them to bed, but it was early by normal standards.

Meanwhile, the bath and the dishes were still sitting there outside, whilst the 4 of us were in the room. All the while, I was wondering what I needed to do once the kids were in bed. And wondered what I should have done during the day.

I had spent the morning shifting stuff around so that I could give the boys the space I felt they needed. I tossed out junk, cleaned the floor and repacked some stuff. Did I really needed to do that? Nah, the boys were happy with the space they had. I just felt bad that it looked cluttered.

Expectation vs reality. I have high expectations of myself. I have a mental image of how things should look like or be like.

I felt bad that the house is filled with cartons. One wall of the dining room is filled with cartons, up to the ceiling. Someone said it was an avant garde feature wall. That’s not how a dining room should be like. But we needed to save costs for the business wherever we could. I felt bad that the boys’ childhood will be filled with memories of ‘cartons in our dining room!’ They probably won’t remember it.

But I will. Expectations vs reality.

I left the kids with Play-doh so that I could do the clearing up. Gave them 4 colours and told them to mix a little by a little to see what colours they would get. They started out fine, got purple. 30 minutes later, they got brown, and ONLY brown. I got frustrated. It was a simple activity! They were joking about their sister pooping, and they placed a small piece of brown Play-doh next to her.

-_-” BOYS. I had to laugh a little at that. I could have stopped what I was doing and spent the time doing the activity with them. They would remember that. I should’ve. 

Expectations vs reality. I didn’t measure up to what I felt I should have been doing it as a mom. But maybe I was doing something right too. I read through my blog entries or even some FB posts and feel abit better. Reminscing the good times and the laughter.

Today, the boys were also ultra-polite. Minding their Ps & Qs towards me and each other. Oliver decided that he wanted to be a better older brother to Quentin, and decided to help toilet train Quentin. Waaaaah. Sorted out the seat and stool for Quentin and then reminded him to wash his hands before leaving the toilet.

When did my babies grow up so much? T_T

But seriously, thank goodness for social media. In a bid to present the happy & peaceful life, I get good memories to fall upon.

Mebbe social media ain’t that bad

Category: Daily

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