one of those days

‘mummmmmy’ I heard a whine from outside my door, and a tiny little person wanders in.

mummmmmy.’ Sarah comes over to the side of my bed. I lift her up whilst lying down and place her on me. She quiets and just lies on me. I look at my phone, it is 5.22am. I sigh inwardly, my morning is starting very early today. By 6am, she whines for some breakfast, and I follow her out of my room before she launches into a loud wail and wake the rest of the household up.

I spread some chocolate hazelnut spread on a slice of bread, give her a container of expressed breastmilk and watch her eat. Just two of us. And my thoughts wander, at the things I planned to do for the 2.5 hours I get each morning.

Debating if I should..

head to the market to get some eggs because I would need them for waffles;

mop the floor cos it has been a few days since the last mop and there were foot/hand prints around;

change the dehumidifiers which I didn’t manage to do yesterday;

do work;

or head back to sleep.

And then I thought about the events that happened yesterday, where I got frustrated with the kids over laundry folding, over keeping the toys, and over the newly minted 5-yo who decided to spit veggies into a prepared bath tub of water for Alex’s bath.

I snapped. I was dealing with a cranky toddler who was sleepy and wanted dinner; dealing with the 5yo who wasn’t eating and being selective about the food he wanted to eat; dealing with a baby who wanted my attention. And my 5yo decided that I wasn’t handling enough and decided to spit veggies into the tub. I yelled at him and I was so upset that I cried.

I told him that I really didn’t like him at the moment, and he could just go do whatever he wanted to do. And he burst into tears. I didn’t feel bad about it then. I was that upset. I was tired. And tired of attending to my needs last again. Dammit, I bought my favourite yusheng from Din Tai Fung yesterday so that I could just share it with Daddy Ting and not eat scraps. WORTH EVERY SINGLE CENT.

Last to eat and food is all cold cos I had to feed the baby/put baby to bed;
first to be awake so the other two kids can sleep in longer whilst I prepped Oliver for primary school, last to sleep cos I had to catch up on some work;
I couldn’t even enjoy CNY cos I was too tired.

6 weeks into the year, and I am still slowly figuring out a routine that would work for me and work for the kids. I find I barely have enough time for anything else, a very thin line between wanting to take a quick break and catching up on work/chores. A slight change/delay in routine basically means having my sanity tested at 5pm onwards. I run a very tight schedule from 11am onwards.

My social life has been digitised – I depend on Facebook, Instagram and Whatsapp to catch up with my friends. Self-care, is officially a luxury. Haha.

I wondered about some of the decisions I make and made.

When Quentin had UTI and we decided against some of the tests and medication as we did for Oliver, and later we found out that there were some issues with Quentin’s kidney, I wondered if we had made the right choice and those issues with his kidney were the result of the choice we made.

When I decided that I was tired of being pregnant and wanted Alex out once we hit 37 weeks, got her induced.

When we decided that changing primary schools was a good idea cos it was nearer to us and we would be saving heaps on transportation fees but the younger kids ‘suffer’ cos they get lugged around for school pick ups.

How do you even know if you were making the right decisions there and then?

And when you make decisions because you think they are the right ones, or you want to do it, but when you get bogged down and get comments like ‘nobody ask you to do it.’, like damn sian right? *roll eyes*

(Backstory: Okay, I was deciding if I wanted to make waffles at 6am in the morning cos Oliver had requested for it yesterday and it was a flat out no cos it meant I had to wake up extra early to make them. But since I was already up early, so I thought I could make some right..I realised we were short of 1 egg, so I was deciding if I wanted to make the effort to half all the ingredients…before deciding to just scrap the idea.)

Bam, and it is 6.30am. These thoughts and in between answering the toddler’s questions and shushing her to keep her voice down so she doesn’t wake up the rest, and keeping the dried dishes, tidying up the kitchen.

I had also decided that I will

– get the faffing eggs so we can make waffles (cue ‘you don’t need to entertain Ollie’s request for waffles what, that is not important’ vs ‘dunno buy one waffle machine put at home for what’)┬áBECAUSE I WANT TO OKAY (f***ing mental conversations);
– screw
mopping the floor cos I am NOT going to pick up the toys;-
write this post cos I think my blog deserves some attention and a post to remind me of this period; and
– skip sleep so that I can write this post, haha.

So..how is this #humpdaywednesday happening for you?

Category: Daily

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