the measurement of love

After another long eventful day. The house is quiet, QT in his cot and Ollie on my lap. Both sleeping.

And me typing out this post on the nursing chair after a short cry. It had been that kind of day. Worse than yesterday. It was one of those days where I had envisioned and knew would happen eventually. But two days in a row? And possibly more? How much more could I take?

This sick thing has taken a ridiculous turn which saw me bringing the boys back to KKH for another visit. Ollie couldn’t stop coughing and QT didn’t seem to be eating/drinking enough. Nebulisers, a blood test and chest xrays later showed that both boys had pneumonia. FML.

Apparently we went there soon enough after Sunday’s episode that the entire visit was free. So home we trooped with more medication and it was back to the routine of “mama mama mama” in QT’s plaintive voice and Ollie’s whiny “carry carry carry“. Donald was around but they didn’t want him.

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After so many weeks of being sick and visits to the doctor’s, I longed for normalcy. Being able to go out with a friend, even to the supermarket or just to grab a coffee, tapao. We usually headed out once a day to the nearby area. The last quick trip was Friday cos I was having cabin fever. I needed to go out. It felt awesome. Then weekend came and went to shot cos Donald got sick. Always on a weekend. FML.

So whilst Donald went to run a needed errand, I fed QT dinner and then both boys their meds. Got a fussy baby who is sleepy but hangs in there cos he wants mama to put him to sleep. In the midst of doing so, the toddler coughs badly enough to puke over himself and a corner of the bed. Brilliant. Tries to sort toddler out with bawling baby in the background. Three min shower. Fastest ever. Change toddler, stick him on my bed and put baby to sleep.

Now all quiet. Then I cried. I dunno if it was in relief or just a coping mechanism. It made me feel at a loss. How do I explain to the toddler that his younger brother has more needs than him? I spend most of the day with two kids on me. My eczema flaring to the high heavens cos of the heat generated from sitting on a leather surface for too long, or from their sweat. I constantly have a baby on me, with the occasional 5 mins respite when I go to the toilet.

I don’t resent this. But I don’t enjoy it. I cannot wait for it to end. I am at a wits end. It does make me feel like I am not able to give them more of me to cater to their needs at the same time. Does it mean I don’t love them enough? Where I cringed and couldn’t bear to see them inserting the iv drip on Ollie, today I only stared blankly as I watched the nurse gave Ollie some ventolin puffs whilst he was squirming and shrieking his head off.

I was so over it by then. Like whatever man. Just do what you need to do.

Sigh. Hopefully these few batch of meds will work out better.

Category: Daily

2 comments on “the measurement of love

  1. Hope things will get better soon. Hang on there mama, you are doing great!

    • Thanks! Thankfully things are better today & we managed to go out for a walk! So yay!

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