what the husband said

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Justine and Donald Engagement Session 2

the tings: circa 5 years ago

the tings 10 years ago are different and not so different from the tings today. I guess the only significant difference is that we have two additions to the tings, and that speaks a lot for itself.

I was having a conversation with a girlfriend earlier today. she was guilt-tripping about splitting time between two kids and how she nearly went crazy handling sick kids and a sick self. that exhaustion. and then guilt-tripping again for not spending quality time.

moms. so easy to send them off on a guilt-trip. seriously. all you need to point out is a fault in the child, or mention something along the lines of them not doing enough. how much more does a mom need to take up on before she feels it is enough?

husbands. where do they come in emotionally? I remembered when we first had Ollie. Donald would come home to a messy house and he would say something along the lines of “what have you been doing the whole day?”

hahaha. oh boy. that is argument fodder. Yes, age old argument of “you-are-home-with-a-baby-the-whole-day-what-else-do-you-do?”. It took him about half a year to close two eyes to everything (in fact, he is now worse at keeping the house clean than I am, considering how OCD he is) and spending time with Ollie alone to know what I sorta do at home the whole damn day.

But it isn’t easy, and he has agreed it isn’t. Staying home to look after the kids. I am in no way glorifying this whole stay home mom thing to sainthood. Being married, staying as husband and wife, and being parents. It is a fine balance and so so much about support.

Then QT came along and oh boy. The first few months, as husband and wife, it took a strain. Responsibilities were double, coupled with a slightly more sensitive baby, being tired, and dealing with a toddler who was adjusting to having to share his parents with a new sibling he didn’t ask for. To quote my girlfriend,

“…a realisation that I can totally understand why having a kid / kids can drive couples to divorce, or individuals to depression”

And it does. It puts all relationship to the test and pushes all boundaries that you never knew existed. Enough to push to you a state of..emptiness. A state I consider beyond indifference. That moment where you stop feeling anything for anything. Time stops. You don’t move. You are breathing. You just live for..well the sake of living.

Fortunately I snapped out of that. But then came the days where I felt I wasn’t contributing enough. Where is my worth? I am caring for two kids, I am running my household. But I wasn’t bringing in the dough. Donald didn’t expect me to get the moon for him, but internally, I was struggling. Or there were days I felt I was losing the individual me, the me who love going out with friends and still wanted to do so with two kids, but I couldn’t cos the kids were either sick, or we had other errands to run, or I was just trying not to spend so much money.

Then one day, he said something to me, that made a world of difference and changed my mindset about being a mom.

“You contribute way more than you think you do. You allow me to go to work in peace, knowing that the kids are in the hands of the only person I trust them with.” 

I am my children’s mother and more. It didn’t really matter that I don’t get to do my own things anymore. It didn’t really matter that I didn’t get to go out as often anymore. My priorities got adjusted a lot and the kids were right on top of it. Focussing on the kids didn’t mean that I am no longer my person. It was at that point where I felt I could handle enough. I refused to be guilt-tripped and realised that there were certain things within my capabilities and certain things that were just..well, out of my control. It just meant that..some things will just have to wait.

Cos I have a much more important role to play, being a mother and more.

the tings today: happy as a family. =)

the tings today: happy as a family. =)


Category: Daily, Love

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