Never knew how easy it was to head down the spiral until recently. So easy to cave in to the feeling of anger, resentment and guilt, and wanting to just hide under the covers and cry.
I realised that I have been getting my endorphin fixes by visiting Quentin at the hospital, both in the afternoon and at night. These visits seem to help me pass time and feel that all is okay again cos I have done something with Quentin, feeding, cuddling, talking to him. These visits make me feel that it is okay to play with Oliver again.
I was feeling tired last night and thought since I was feeling better about the whole thing, I would give visiting Quentin a miss. The guilt hit me in the middle of the night during a pumping session. What if he was crying for a long time and the nurses were too busy to comfort him? Would he be angry/feel that I neglected him cos I thought the nurses would be able to look after him?
Rational side of me would agree with Donald that Quentin is better off in the hospital cos they have equipments that can monitor his vital stats. Emotional side of me wants him home so I can cater to his emotional needs. But havig barely spent 24 hrs with him since he was born, the rational side is not going to emerge the victor obviously.
On my way to see monster #2 now, and I am feeling nervous..maybe anxious would be the correct word. Two more days till he can be released pending no further funny episodes. I dread and look forward to what the dr will say when I get there. But I definitely look forward to holding him again. I wish there was a way to bottle up his smell. Then leaving the nursery is so bittersweet cos I have to leave him there again.
Come on, monster #2. Mummy is hanging in there just like you are. I need you home soon so we can start the rest of our lives together!