This is more of a reminder post to myself I guess. I have been thinking about writing a post for the past few days, and more thoughts just got added on to it. I think I better type them down now before I forgot about the moment.
ALEX
We are currently at 28 weeks with Alex. It is harder to move around, I constantly have the maternity belt on so that it provides some form of back support. I mentally wrote a letter to Alex, one that I intend to type out, and one that the other kids didn’t really have whilst they were ‘baking’ in my womb.
Dearest Alex.
The other day, as your father and I looked at your elder sister, I told him, Sarah, would always be the first daughter in the family, as Oliver had been the first son. Firsts..are always a little different cos of the novelty. But I hope it would be the same for you as you eventually become the baby of the family. The last baby. Good grief, definitely the last baby. I honestly don’t think I can go through another pregnancy. Haha.
This pregnancy is a lot different to the rest. See, we wanted four kids. But we then decided that we would be happy with 3. And we were sorta settled. Then you happened. At the first whimsical test, I half hoped that we were pregnant. But I was also okay if we weren’t. I mean we were ready to move on with our lives. I had spent $300 on a wardrobe overhaul. Moving on meant I no longer have to deal with breastfeeding. There was a faint line, but it was after 2 hours. We decided that it was an evap line.
Life went on.
Then the real test. I went through an emotional rollercoaster. Afterall, we had decided that the first test was inconclusive and it wasn’t a positive. This time, it was a positive test. I went through some elation, to then being really stressed about our financial situation, and then mourning the loss of freedom. It was a bad rollercoaster ride. We also didn’t want to share it with family cos we weren’t even sure if we were going to keep you. I needed signs that you were meant to stay.
I saw you as a disability. At a point of time in my life where my kids are very mobile. Pregnancy eczema came back with a vengence and I was losing a lot of sleep. Your daddy took care of a lot of things; he took over putting Sarah to bed so that I would get a lesser disrupted night of sleep. He had to care alot about my mental well-being. I was in a state where I felt hard to relate to anyone..cos none of my friends have four kids. Haha. I felt a lot on my own. And I had a lot of expectations to meet to try and cope. These expectations were set by myself. Expectations to make sure that everything else was status quo. It was tough, but I think we are falling into a better routine now.
It didn’t help that the day we first saw you on the ultrasound, the day your paternal great grandmother passed away. I didn’t know if I should be happy to see your heart beating, or mourn the loss of someone I cared for dearly. I wished that she could have hung on long enough to see you. Just once. It was another bad rollercoaster ride cos it took me awhile to slowly let her go and finally say goodbye.
Your brothers are amazing and have been filling up some gaps. And I know I am blessed. And I will need to constantly remind myself that your brothers are still kids at the end of the day. There were bad days where I felt like an utter failure as a parent. The tiredness and frustration wore me down and I felt like I failed, despite all the readings I had done to prepare myself for parenthood. The term supermom was a farce. I don’t want to be a supermom. I just wanted to be a normal mom, coping as best.
But you made you presence known. Your elder sister adores you already. She would sing to you just before her naps, she would cuddle my belly and pat it absently. Ask her what your name is and she would cheekily say ‘ABCD.’ On good days, she would reply, baby meimei or A-yek. You would get kisses from your brothers before bedtime.
You are here to stay, despite my mental struggles. You are here to make your momma walk out of this stronger. And you are here to make our family complete. Come out strong, my baby girl. We can’t wait to meet you in 12 weeks time!
love,
your mommy.