maternal instincts

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Maternal a very powerful emotion, or physiological or mental reaction. Whatever you call it. (Should ask Donald eh, he is the psychologist afterall hahahaha).

Recently, a fellow SAHM, J, was telling me how there was a rogue cockroach in her kitchen. J is terrified of roaches, as I am as well. I told her, push comes to shove, you will have to face the cockroach if it means protecting your daughter. Her response was, “I hope my maternal instincts will not be put to the test man!!”

I totally understand how she feels. I had to face cockroaches not once, but TWICE with Ollie around. Argh. Fearing that the stupid cockroach will fly (cos it is always about them flying isn’t it??) and whether Ollie will run and I will accidentally spray him instead of the cockroach with the insecticide, or if the cockroach will fly onto Ollie and I will have to decide if I want to spray or smack Ollie. You know..that kind of situation. Fortunately, only the cockroach was harmed and it took A LOT for me to face that fear. I was sweating by the time the ordeal was over.

Urgh. DAMN cockroach.

goofing around with my boys

goofing around with my boys

An incident last week led me to think about this whole maternal instinct thing and what it really meant to be a parent. I accidentally locked QT in the room, with the key inside. I didn’t realise it until I could hear QT fussing over the baby monitor, and then I had a sinking feeling about what I had done. Panic and fear hit me. Ollie picked up on my fear and ran towards me with his arms stretched out, yelling, “mummy!!” in a scared voice. I picked him up and he refused to be let down for a while, clinging on to me. I was alternating between trying to talk to Ollie in a calm voice and talking to Donald over the phone in utter panic.

QT was shrieking his lungs out on the other side of the door, and I was trying to see if I could jiggle the lock loose to get the door open before the locksmith arrived. Oh god, that kind of shrieking a baby does in distress. You know that kind that pulls at your heartstrings when you are helpless to soothe your baby? That kind. On one hand, I was trying to figure out if there was a faster solution, breaking down the door, hammering the door knob away, trying to pick the lock. Yet on the other hand, I was worried about doing something stupid that could hamper the locksmith if he came before I figured something out. I was talking to QT over the baby monitor, trying to calm him, crying in between, trying to remain calm in front of Ollie and give him sensible instructions.

It was the longest 30 minutes in my entire life, and best $50 ever spent.

That night, I sat in my room, looking at QT sleep. And thought about a conversation that Donald and I had a few times. It was about how and what it may be like if we were to pass away when the kids are still young. I told Donald, “I hope I don’t die before you do, because if I do, you will have trouble handling the kids and I don’t want to have to think about the kids crying out for me” Donald agreed and he said I had better take good care of myself so that doesn’t happen. Hahah.

Eh, with a hubby and two kids..maybe I would die earlier, cos vomit blood ah. Hahaha. Right. *ahem*

As far as I can remember, I cannot stand babies crying. Well, not the tantrum kinda crying. The kind of crying that makes one feel that the baby has got no one left in the world. 孤苦伶仃 kind of crying. Helplessness kinda crying. The kind that makes you want to pick a baby up immediately and soothe the tears away. Obviously, same goes for my kids. I never want to hear my kids cry in distress, or in pain. It was terrible hearing Ollie scream his head off when they inserted a cannula into his arm for his DMSA. It was horrible to hear QT wail in pain when we went to the polyclinic countless times to have his blood drawn because of his jaundice. It made me just hold my kids tight each time to try and make them feel better.

The same conversation we had, Donald and I also talked about what would be the best scenario to die if something were to happen to us, say like…in the next couple of months. Okay, I know this is damn morbid. It was cause we were going to get our wills done and we started talking about more and more morbid stuff. So yar. Bear with me. So the best scenario. As selfish and cruel as I can be, I said,”if it was an impending car accident..I hope all of us die together. Like, I would not protect them and hope we all die together.” It was a “spare everyone the misery” kinda thing.

But after last week, which got me thinking, if there was a fire and my kids were stuck in the house, I wouldn’t care less and just run in to try and save my kids. As much as I wanted to be selfish and cruel in that hypothetical car accident, I probably won’t be able to. Cause of this thing called maternal instinct. The one thing that will drive a mother to protect her kids regardless of the outcome. Not saying that a father would do any less, but moms are just more emotionally tied to their kids. I can’t speak for all moms, but at least I am!

Even just watching Ollie chuck a tantrum is a somewhat heartwrenching as I watch him cry and sob his heart out. Donald’s made of tougher stuff but I just want to hold Ollie and make him calm down and soothe him. QT’s not quite there yet, but he knows how to make this mummy feel guilty and pick him up whenever he wants to be picked up! It just involves a lot of nuzzling and snuggling against me.

Kids, once you have them, you need them and can’t do without them. Love ’em and you can only love them even more. Dammit. Such a trap! Hahaha. Argh..I reckon I’m going to be bullied by these two monsters.

Category: Love, Parenting
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