Tag Archives: motherhood

going out with the kids

Posted on by

before QT came along, when it was aaaall just Ollie and me, going out was a breeze. D and I would meet up almost every fortnight in town to have a meal, coffee, window shopping (or at least some shopping) and chat about life and kids. Ollie and E would do their own “catching up” and watch videos on the mobile phone.

then when I was pregnant with QT, I wondered how on earth I was going to manage going out with two kids. And then QT actually came along and I figured, I’d have to try cos I need to get out of the house. The early days were spent just going around the neighbourhood, like a couple of blocks away. Going to the market, grabbing some veggies and breakfast. Subsequently, we ventured further to the mall next to the bus terminal, and then to the library. There were also the occasional trips to town, but they lasted for no more than 3 hours (including walking & traveling time).

Today was my ultimate. It was the longest I had ever been out for, half with D, and the other half alone. Lugging bags of stuff. My feet hurt sooooo bad now it is not funny. I chugged a Venti iced caramel macchiato on the way home. I figured I’d lose whatever calories from the drink by walking home. Haha.

It is probably going to get more interesting when QT is more mobile and is not happy to sit in the carrier. Hrm. So far he sleeps most of the time when we head out (not complaining!!). Being able to breastfeed in the Manduca is a major bonus. Feed on the go, so yay! Maybe I should go out more often these days before QT gets mobile.

So, D & I had plans to go to the baby fair and the food fair happening at the Expo today. *cue auntie mode ON* I have two kids, so if you could give me two sets of samples, one for each kid, that would be great. Oh hang on, you mean if I used two email addresses I could get the gift AND the goodie bag? Sure! Btw, you do know that I’m gonna cancel this temporary appointment when you guys call right? And I still get to keep this gift?

Sibeh auntie right? So embarassing! hahaha. I was telling D about the time I actually asked a stranger behind me in the queue if he had the membership card so I can get a member’s discount. Eh, it was a savings of $12 okay!! Wah lao..12 cents I can forget it. But $12! WLE.

But yes, D & I walked, and then chanced upon a play area for kids. $15 for all day access to a ball pit, bouncy castles, mini golf..etc. Hrm, I thought, well..the fair was fairly empty with no kids and it was still early, so sure why not?

Best idea EVAH. Because there were not a lot of kids, the ratio of minders to kids was like 3 minders : 2 kids. D & I could actually stand one side, take photos and chat a fair bit. We even took turns to go one round around the fair. Haha. Best $15 spent. It was funny to watch Ollie run around and throwing himself with glee into the ball pit. I reckon this is one experience he is NOT going to forget easily and will ask for more chances to go when we pass by any.

Okay, now to the main point. I thought of writing this post because of a conversation I had with Donald the other night. I told him about this couple I came to know about recently when I read about their loss, of them losing their 3 yo to a freak accident. Mom and toddler had been out during the day, to Disneyland before ending up at a friend’s place. The toddler had ran out to the streets to grab a frisbee and got knocked down by a vehicle. I teared when I read about it. I asked Donald if he would blame whoever our kids was with if such a thing happened to either Ollie or QT. And he replied with a resounding “of course lah!”. Thinking a little, I reckon I would too, but it would probably come at a later stage when the grief has eased off. Hah.

I know it sounds a little odd, but the mother’s loss is what makes me appreciate my kids a little more. I think about how I need my kids as much as they need me. Seriously, I cannot imagine a life without my kids now. The smiles that QT gives me, the most innocent conversations that Ollie has with me. I felt so much for the mom, wondering what it was like seeing things that reminded her of what her child would be doing. Just reading about it made my heart ache. Maybe it’s a mom thing. I watch videos about kids and it affects me so much. Argh..such a sap.

I’ve been trying to capture as much of Ollie’s little thoughts on this blog, it is a little tedious. I am still contemplating between writing down those little thoughts on Dayre but then again, I don’t wish to be using too many platforms. Meh.

Decisions decisions.

umm cow-lion version.

umm cow-lion version.

A gem from today:

Ollie: *puts on a rabbit ears headband & lion mane headband*
Me: uhh what are you supposed to be?
Ollie: Ollie is a rabbit-lion. Hop hop roaaar. *hops*
Me: hahaha. Yes, of course. I should have known that.

downward spiral

Posted on by

Never knew how easy it was to head down the spiral until recently. So easy to cave in to the feeling of anger, resentment and guilt, and wanting to just hide under the covers and cry.

I realised that I have been getting my endorphin fixes by visiting Quentin at the hospital, both in the afternoon and at night. These visits seem to help me pass time and feel that all is okay again cos I have done something with Quentin, feeding, cuddling, talking to him. These visits make me feel that it is okay to play with Oliver again.

I was feeling tired last night and thought since I was feeling better about the whole thing, I would give visiting Quentin a miss. The guilt hit me in the middle of the night during a pumping session. What if he was crying for a long time and the nurses were too busy to comfort him? Would he be angry/feel that I neglected him cos I thought the nurses would be able to look after him?

Rational side of me would agree with Donald that Quentin is better off in the hospital cos they have equipments that can monitor his vital stats. Emotional side of me wants him home so I can cater to his emotional needs. But havig barely spent 24 hrs with him since he was born, the rational side is not going to emerge the victor obviously.

On my way to see monster #2 now, and I am feeling nervous..maybe anxious would be the correct word. Two more days till he can be released pending no further funny episodes. I dread and look forward to what the dr will say when I get there. But I definitely look forward to holding him again. I wish there was a way to bottle up his smell. Then leaving the nursery is so bittersweet cos I have to leave him there again.

Come on, monster #2. Mummy is hanging in there just like you are. I need you home soon so we can start the rest of our lives together!

Category: Kids, Parenting | Tags: ,

mixed feelings

Posted on by

So Quentin didn’t get to come home today. Well, he was supposed to, and then his oxygen levels dropped drastically for a moment and that quickly squished any hope of him coming home today. I was looking so forward to being able to bring him home. =(

We spent a good part of the morning tidying up the house, cleaning it up and doing some last minute preparations for Quentin’s homecoming. Donald then headed down to the hospital to do some paperwork and drop off some EBM as well. Got a call from him later saying that the nurse had told him Quentin’s not able to come home today. My heart sank. I guess it was just as well he was in the hospital when that happened. Donald said he probably would not know what to do if the episode happened at home and one can only imagine the delay in treatment because we had to drive back to the hospital. Okay…that sorta made sense. But still.

Ollie’s also staying over at my parents’ place tonight. We had previously arranged for him to stay at my parents’ place every fortnight so that he would be fine with it when the time for Quentin to be delivered came. Of course Quentin came before we could throw it into action haha. Having some free time, Donald and I thought we should take the time to go have some couple time, have dinner and then spend some time with Quentin later. Otherwise…I don’t foresee us having much couple time in the next 6 months at least. We were going to throw in a movie, seeing how Donald had scored some free movie passes. But between pumping milk and visiting Quentin, we thought we should reaalllllly take it easy and just go with the flow.

And we managed to have a good chat. I was/am in a self-loathing mood. May be it is because I am tired. May be it is just the hormones. I was feeling guilty about having this couple time with Donald. Guilty cos I have a baby in the hospital. Guilty that I am out having dinner with my husband when I should be at the hospital with Quentin. Guilty cos I have another kid whom I think I have been neglecting, albeit due to unforeseen circumstances. Guilty that I have shoved him to my parents just so that we could have some time to do some things. Although my parents are really happy to have him over.

I wanted things to be back to normal. And by being normal, I mean being in the right physical state to play with Ollie; having Quentin home; and running the household the way like before. This feeling of helplessness as I wait is just terrible. I feel like I can’t shower Ollie with the same kind of affection as I did before whilst waiting for his younger brother to come home. No idea why it has to be done this way, but I just felt this way. May be it was because there are so many people showering Ollie with attention that I feel that I don’t need to shower him with any more than required? I still definitely will meet his basic needs and be there when he needs me. I just wish that I can do more, but yet I feel that there isn’t any more that I can do?

Meh.

I am feeling emotional. It has been a long week and I can’t believe almost a whole week has gone by. It only seemed like a couple of days ago I was admitted for bleeding. Quentin came along on Tuesday and I think I barely seem him for more than 24 hours added up since he was born. Everything’s just been a whirlwind. Donald and I spent a couple of hours at the hospital earlier. I got there just in time to be able to breastfeed Quentin. They were already pushing the milk trolley out haha. Quentin was crying by then. Thinking about it now..I feel bad again. Feel bad that I won’t be there to pick him up throughout the night if he cries. Argh. There’ll be countless opportunities when he comes home. And then I will want to throttle Quentin when he cries. haha. Oh the irony.

I guess I just have to wait till tomorrow and see how things pan out.

Category: Kids, Parenting | Tags: , ,