…baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more.
haha okay, should not be too corny about the title. But what is love?
This was the question that popped up in my mind many times throughout the week.
I meant to write this on 11 May, then life got in the way, and I didn’t feel so angsty anymore. Funny how a week later, on the same day, there was a repeat of the same feeling. So here I am writing this.
Love meant..doing things unconditionally for someone you love, isn’t it?
It was a tiring week. More emotionally than physically. I wrote a huge chunk of stuff before deleting it all off cos it got too personal for it to be on public domain. And it was personal enough for what I think would make Donald demand immediate removal of the entry.
Let’s look at it from another POV then.
When I became a parent, and when I first laid eyes on Ollie, I knew at that moment that I wanted to protect and love this child of mine. I would hurt each time he cried in pain, each time he was in discomfort, or each time he was in distress. 2.5 years down the road, there have been trying times but it has mostly been good. My cheeky monster has brought loads of laughter and smiles to my life, and he has taught me a lot of things, one being you can never run out of love for someone, you just love them more.
monster #1
Along with that, were a lot of plans. Ideas, principles and ways that I envisioned that I would raised my child. How the family unit would be like, and how life would be like. Donald was pretty hands off Ollie, unless necessary, until Ollie started walking, and was talking a lot more. It was a little tough to explain to a hubby who saw that he wasn’t required (not in a bad way) cos he did not have the boobs that Ollie was pretty much attached too. These days, Donald pretty much handles Ollie after he comes home from work, and during weekends.
Then there was the defining of roles and responsibilities between the parents. What does being a SAHM actually encompasses? Did it mean that I was responsible for everything that happened indoors? Somehow somewhere along the way, lines got blurred, and it did seemed that I was taking on a lot more. How was it that before Ollie came along, both of us shared the responsibilties and then somewhere down the line, I got more of the responsibilities? At least that was how it felt.
With the kids. God knows how precious uninterrupted thoughts are. I don’t even mind doing the chores, but being able to have an uninterrupted thought, or even being able to wash the dishes UNINTERRUPTED. It didn’t help that my plans for trying to go to bed by 9.30pm, became 12.30am because I could only have my uninterrupted time after 9pm, and by the time I finished the things I wanted to do and got to bed, it was already 12mdn. Sure, you could say I asked for it. I should have just gone to bed and not do anything else. Why don’t you ask me to not have a life too? Bah.
There is a lot of resentment building. About how I never get to do things I want to do. An imbalance. I need to get enough rest cause I gotta make sure the kids don’t get killed, whereas he doesn’t care if someone got killed. I need to have Quentin with me cos I have the boobs and he doesn’t. Somehow, somewhere long the line, it was a case of 因该-ness. That certain things were like this because it is a given. Or so I felt. Because you know so much more and better. It being a given. No question asked.
It is hard to not feel that I am walking alone in this journey being a SAHM at this point. The kids are great. Just…a big BUT. I wish someone would understand instead of saying it is all happening inside my head. Tiring how there is a constant need to justify why certain things need to be done this way, and that way. Because I don’t accept “Ollie’s not even going to remember this when he is older like 15.”
It also got to a point that I felt I had to do a lot of things to step away from being a mom for a day. Well, of course you can’t do that. But you know what I mean. Not having to feed a toddler, not having a baby attached to your boob, not having to deal with inane questions. And just be an adult and have adult conversation although it may revolve around the kids 75% of the time. I mean, what else can I talk about apart from poopy diapers, feeding schedules and play time? Discounts at the local supermarket for diapers? The other 25% of the time is spent bitching/complaining how the hubbies don’t do their share of the work.
monster #2
Recent events have led me to perhaps think otherwise. I love my kids, don’t get me wrong. I love them to bits. I would do anything for them. Ollie says the craziest things that makes me burst out in laughter, and he returns my laughter with an somewhat amazed yet happy look on his face. Quentin rewards me with cooing and smiles every morning when he wakes up. My boys reward me in ways that no other can replicate. But does that mean I cannot step away for a breather for a bit?
Perhaps I need to relook at the role of being a SAHM. I have never thought of it as a job. But I would need to look at it as my life and my world revolving around them, well even more so if it not already is. Obviously things are not working out to be how I envisioned things to be. I would have to work around it eh? If I need to have a life and it means taking the kids along with me, they will come with me. If it means lesser sleep cos I need to run both my business and my home, then I’ll do it. I will take what is offered and deal with what I have. Channel all that negative emotions into more love for the kids.
You know why? Cos I am a mom and I am amazing. Sick of sitting around and waiting for things to happen. So up yours.
