Category Archives: Daily

one of those days

‘mummmmmy’ I heard a whine from outside my door, and a tiny little person wanders in.

mummmmmy.’ Sarah comes over to the side of my bed. I lift her up whilst lying down and place her on me. She quiets and just lies on me. I look at my phone, it is 5.22am. I sigh inwardly, my morning is starting very early today. By 6am, she whines for some breakfast, and I follow her out of my room before she launches into a loud wail and wake the rest of the household up.

I spread some chocolate hazelnut spread on a slice of bread, give her a container of expressed breastmilk and watch her eat. Just two of us. And my thoughts wander, at the things I planned to do for the 2.5 hours I get each morning.

Debating if I should..

head to the market to get some eggs because I would need them for waffles;

mop the floor cos it has been a few days since the last mop and there were foot/hand prints around;

change the dehumidifiers which I didn’t manage to do yesterday;

do work;

or head back to sleep.

And then I thought about the events that happened yesterday, where I got frustrated with the kids over laundry folding, over keeping the toys, and over the newly minted 5-yo who decided to spit veggies into a prepared bath tub of water for Alex’s bath.

I snapped. I was dealing with a cranky toddler who was sleepy and wanted dinner; dealing with the 5yo who wasn’t eating and being selective about the food he wanted to eat; dealing with a baby who wanted my attention. And my 5yo decided that I wasn’t handling enough and decided to spit veggies into the tub. I yelled at him and I was so upset that I cried.

I told him that I really didn’t like him at the moment, and he could just go do whatever he wanted to do. And he burst into tears. I didn’t feel bad about it then. I was that upset. I was tired. And tired of attending to my needs last again. Dammit, I bought my favourite yusheng from Din Tai Fung yesterday so that I could just share it with Daddy Ting and not eat scraps. WORTH EVERY SINGLE CENT.

Last to eat and food is all cold cos I had to feed the baby/put baby to bed;
first to be awake so the other two kids can sleep in longer whilst I prepped Oliver for primary school, last to sleep cos I had to catch up on some work;
I couldn’t even enjoy CNY cos I was too tired.

6 weeks into the year, and I am still slowly figuring out a routine that would work for me and work for the kids. I find I barely have enough time for anything else, a very thin line between wanting to take a quick break and catching up on work/chores. A slight change/delay in routine basically means having my sanity tested at 5pm onwards. I run a very tight schedule from 11am onwards.

My social life has been digitised – I depend on Facebook, Instagram and Whatsapp to catch up with my friends. Self-care, is officially a luxury. Haha.

I wondered about some of the decisions I make and made.

When Quentin had UTI and we decided against some of the tests and medication as we did for Oliver, and later we found out that there were some issues with Quentin’s kidney, I wondered if we had made the right choice and those issues with his kidney were the result of the choice we made.

When I decided that I was tired of being pregnant and wanted Alex out once we hit 37 weeks, got her induced.

When we decided that changing primary schools was a good idea cos it was nearer to us and we would be saving heaps on transportation fees but the younger kids ‘suffer’ cos they get lugged around for school pick ups.

How do you even know if you were making the right decisions there and then?

And when you make decisions because you think they are the right ones, or you want to do it, but when you get bogged down and get comments like ‘nobody ask you to do it.’, like damn sian right? *roll eyes*

(Backstory: Okay, I was deciding if I wanted to make waffles at 6am in the morning cos Oliver had requested for it yesterday and it was a flat out no cos it meant I had to wake up extra early to make them. But since I was already up early, so I thought I could make some right..I realised we were short of 1 egg, so I was deciding if I wanted to make the effort to half all the ingredients…before deciding to just scrap the idea.)

Bam, and it is 6.30am. These thoughts and in between answering the toddler’s questions and shushing her to keep her voice down so she doesn’t wake up the rest, and keeping the dried dishes, tidying up the kitchen.

I had also decided that I will

– get the faffing eggs so we can make waffles (cue ‘you don’t need to entertain Ollie’s request for waffles what, that is not important’ vs ‘dunno buy one waffle machine put at home for what’) BECAUSE I WANT TO OKAY (f***ing mental conversations);
– screw
mopping the floor cos I am NOT going to pick up the toys;-
write this post cos I think my blog deserves some attention and a post to remind me of this period; and
– skip sleep so that I can write this post, haha.

So..how is this #humpdaywednesday happening for you?

Category: Daily

right here, right now

This is more of a reminder post to myself I guess. I have been thinking about writing a post for the past few days, and more thoughts just got added on to it. I think I better type them down now before I forgot about the moment.

ALEX

We are currently at 28 weeks with Alex. It is harder to move around, I constantly have the maternity belt on so that it provides some form of back support. I mentally wrote a letter to Alex, one that I intend to type out, and one that the other kids didn’t really have whilst they were ‘baking’ in my womb.

Dearest Alex. 

The other day, as your father and I looked at your elder sister, I told him, Sarah, would always be the first daughter in the family, as Oliver had been the first son. Firsts..are always a little different cos of the novelty. But I hope it would be the same for you as you eventually become the baby of the family. The last baby. Good grief, definitely the last baby. I honestly don’t think I can go through another pregnancy. Haha. 

This pregnancy is a lot different to the rest. See, we wanted four kids. But we then decided that we would be happy with 3. And we were sorta settled. Then you happened. At the first whimsical test, I half hoped that we were pregnant. But I was also okay if we weren’t. I mean we were ready to move on with our lives. I had spent $300 on a wardrobe overhaul. Moving on meant I no longer have to deal with breastfeeding. There was a faint line, but it was after 2 hours. We decided that it was an evap line. 

Life went on.

Then the real test. I went through an emotional rollercoaster. Afterall, we had decided that the first test was inconclusive and it wasn’t a positive. This time, it was a positive test. I went through some elation, to then being really stressed about our financial situation, and then mourning the loss of freedom. It was a bad rollercoaster ride. We also didn’t want to share it with family cos we weren’t even sure if we were going to keep you. I needed signs that you were meant to stay. 

I saw you as a disability. At a point of time in my life where my kids are very mobile. Pregnancy eczema came back with a vengence and I was losing a lot of sleep. Your daddy took care of a lot of things; he took over putting Sarah to bed so that I would get a lesser disrupted night of sleep. He had to care alot about my mental well-being. I was in a state where I felt hard to relate to anyone..cos none of my friends have four kids. Haha. I felt a lot on my own. And I had a lot of expectations to meet to try and cope. These expectations were set by myself. Expectations to make sure that everything else was status quo. It was tough, but I think we are falling into a better routine now.

It didn’t help that the day we first saw you on the ultrasound, the day your paternal great grandmother passed away. I didn’t know if I should be happy to see your heart beating, or mourn the loss of someone I cared for dearly. I wished that she could have hung on long enough to see you. Just once. It was another bad rollercoaster ride cos it took me awhile to slowly let her go and finally say goodbye. 

Your brothers are amazing and have been filling up some gaps. And I know I am blessed. And I will need to constantly remind myself that your brothers are still kids at the end of the day. There were bad days where I felt like an utter failure as a parent. The tiredness and frustration wore me down and I felt like I failed, despite all the readings I had done to prepare myself for parenthood. The term supermom was a farce. I don’t want to be a supermom. I just wanted to be a normal mom, coping as best. 

But you made you presence known. Your elder sister adores you already. She would sing to you just before her naps, she would cuddle my belly and pat it absently. Ask her what your name is and she would cheekily say ‘ABCD.’  On good days, she would reply, baby meimei or A-yek. You would get kisses from your brothers before bedtime. 

You are here to stay, despite my mental struggles. You are here to make your momma walk out of this stronger. And you are here to make our family complete. Come out strong, my baby girl. We can’t wait to meet you in 12 weeks time!

love,
your mommy. 

 

Category: Daily

today

We had almost a day together. My parents came over to watch the kids and pick/drop off the boys.

We went off running errands, restocking and doing deliveries. We pondered what to have lunch. I mean no kids! Hahaha, the options were limitless. We could have spicy food, steamboat, anything! But that is the difficult part. We ended up having something safe, haha, a bowl of ramen. The ah pek had wanted something soupy that afternoon.

We had a lovely lunch, no interruptions. The conversation veered slightly towards work. Then I stopped you, because I wanted us to be talking something else apart from our work. Sure, if we talked about finances, it would veer back towards work again, cos we would discuss about how I could grow the business so that we could look after the kids’ future.

We talked about the kids, we talked about travelling, we talked about our friends, we talked about us, we talked about Alex and what we still had to prepare for Alex. I mean, we were experienced, but we might have missed out on something.

We then headed for a car servicing after lunch. My first with you. I wasn’t big about sitting at the workshop for an hour or so, just waiting. But you convinced me that we could have a drink and chat more. And we did.

You told me it was one of the best days you had with me in a long while. I was abit zonked out from interrupted sleep, had catnapped a couple of times in the car. And probably was sharing random thoughts or offloading some of the mental load. To be honest, it was hard getting used to the lack of noise around me. hahah. I spend a lot of time with noise. I think I am getting hard of hearing. That’s what having 3 kids yelling away, on top of me yelling at them, probably does to my ears.

But it was a good time out. I got to hold hands with you, without anyone complaining. I got you all to myself for 7 hours. It was nice. Life is going to get busier soon. I don’t think I’ll have a lot of you left to myself once Alex is here! Better enjoy it whilst I can. haha.

Category: Daily