mixed feelings

So Quentin didn’t get to come home today. Well, he was supposed to, and then his oxygen levels dropped drastically for a moment and that quickly squished any hope of him coming home today. I was looking so forward to being able to bring him home. =(

We spent a good part of the morning tidying up the house, cleaning it up and doing some last minute preparations for Quentin’s homecoming. Donald then headed down to the hospital to do some paperwork and drop off some EBM as well. Got a call from him later saying that the nurse had told him Quentin’s not able to come home today. My heart sank. I guess it was just as well he was in the hospital when that happened. Donald said he probably would not know what to do if the episode happened at home and one can only imagine the delay in treatment because we had to drive back to the hospital. Okay…that sorta made sense. But still.

Ollie’s also staying over at my parents’ place tonight. We had previously arranged for him to stay at my parents’ place every fortnight so that he would be fine with it when the time for Quentin to be delivered came. Of course Quentin came before we could throw it into action haha. Having some free time, Donald and I thought we should take the time to go have some couple time, have dinner and then spend some time with Quentin later. Otherwise…I don’t foresee us having much couple time in the next 6 months at least. We were going to throw in a movie, seeing how Donald had scored some free movie passes. But between pumping milk and visiting Quentin, we thought we should reaalllllly take it easy and just go with the flow.

And we managed to have a good chat. I was/am in a self-loathing mood. May be it is because I am tired. May be it is just the hormones. I was feeling guilty about having this couple time with Donald. Guilty cos I have a baby in the hospital. Guilty that I am out having dinner with my husband when I should be at the hospital with Quentin. Guilty cos I have another kid whom I think I have been neglecting, albeit due to unforeseen circumstances. Guilty that I have shoved him to my parents just so that we could have some time to do some things. Although my parents are really happy to have him over.

I wanted things to be back to normal. And by being normal, I mean being in the right physical state to play with Ollie; having Quentin home; and running the household the way like before. This feeling of helplessness as I wait is just terrible. I feel like I can’t shower Ollie with the same kind of affection as I did before whilst waiting for his younger brother to come home. No idea why it has to be done this way, but I just felt this way. May be it was because there are so many people showering Ollie with attention that I feel that I don’t need to shower him with any more than required? I still definitely will meet his basic needs and be there when he needs me. I just wish that I can do more, but yet I feel that there isn’t any more that I can do?

Meh.

I am feeling emotional. It has been a long week and I can’t believe almost a whole week has gone by. It only seemed like a couple of days ago I was admitted for bleeding. Quentin came along on Tuesday and I think I barely seem him for more than 24 hours added up since he was born. Everything’s just been a whirlwind. Donald and I spent a couple of hours at the hospital earlier. I got there just in time to be able to breastfeed Quentin. They were already pushing the milk trolley out haha. Quentin was crying by then. Thinking about it now..I feel bad again. Feel bad that I won’t be there to pick him up throughout the night if he cries. Argh. There’ll be countless opportunities when he comes home. And then I will want to throttle Quentin when he cries. haha. Oh the irony.

I guess I just have to wait till tomorrow and see how things pan out.

Category: Kids, Parenting | Tags: , ,

One comment on “mixed feelings

  1. Your posts on Quentin made me cry. I hope everything is ok. Motherhood is exhilarating, exhausting but most of all, it’s a huge freaking guilt trip. You’re a wonderful mommy. Take care..

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